Being Young is Embarrassing

I found a small little notebook. I guess I considered it my diary for a hot minute in fourth or fifth grade. Here is its first entry:

October 3, 1990 (this would make me about 9)

Dear diary,
As you will soon know I don't know if I like a boy named R. (this was not in a romantic context ... I was really unsure as to whether I liked him as a person). People call me a dweeb, stupid and dumb girl. Sometimes that hurts but other times I just know they are in a bad mood.

PS1 It is halloween
PS2 S.I. said if we go to Sligo (the local middle school) he will invite me to dance. I have to go.


It seems I was often full of rage and at odds with my friends (at least in my head).

For example, December 1st's entry

Dear Diary,

I am in a bad mood. I just slept at N.'s house. (I am now real angry) last night. Now she is coming here! But this is what I hate her for. R. invited me over yesterday I couldn't come she invited me today I couldn't come and I owe it all to N! Bye

PS. I made a note and when mom opens it I will hide (it is a trap).

Alas so many of the entries are like this. The secret petty slights I felt and whatnot. No one was immune. This is something I've gotten much, much better at over time. Now you usually really have to try to hurt my feelings or just be really, really dismissive for me to get riled up.

December 5, 1990

Dear Diary,
We are going to have a open house for Christmas plus a party! Yesterday I was sick. Now I feel better not that I like feeling better (what sense does that make!?). Also last night my dad sat on me. Mom did not do a thing.

Sigh.

Here's what I had to say on the eve of the first Iraq war:

January 14, 1991

Dear Diary,
I think I'm in love with P.F. (I wasn't) but I am not sure. Any way we United States might go to war tomorrow with Iraq. I think it is depressing.

January 16, 1991
Dear Diary,
We are probably going to war. I am depressed and sad. My dad is not even here!
PS. I don't want to die young (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I will spare you and myself any of the latter posts, as they are...so very special.