So I was looking at a restaurant's website and found its executive chef quite interesting/attractive. And this is the conversation that C. and I then had (certain things being redacted or omitted):
i want to date this chef
oh he's so cute
and he's a chef
he likes spearfishing
let's go there
and ask to meet the chef
then he'll come out
and we'll say, let's go spear fishing
and we'll be friends
did you see his dog
that's a good looking dog
ohh it's a big dog
i want to be his friend on facebook
it's totally normal
absolutely, you can pretend to be interested in the food at first
this is perfect
i know. totally meant to be.
the menu isn't ridiculously expensive
ohhh i hope it works out
and i have actually asked him to be my friend on facebook
b/c i am not creepy at all
haha not creepy at all, actually
why am i so crazy? i found a bigger picture of the dog
he's really cute
and the dog
all i've been doing lately is finding attractive men to crush on
but i really think that i should be focusing all my single minded boy hunting on the realm of chefs
it makes sense
we have things in common
i mean...let's be real. that would be perfect.
except our schedules would be opposite
they'd be like 'let's have lunch on a wednesday'
and i'd be like 'how about dinner on a saturday'
thats true...chefs do have weird schedules...
but thats okay
can chefs bring home leftovers
and i would just go and sit at the bar and hang out
i could become the friendly hostess
the friendly drunk asking her chef boyfriend to make her something not on the menu hostess
i want that life
with an Italian speaking fish spearer with a big dog
i want you to meet him
ask your server
to let you thank the chef
is [chef] around?
it's totally normal and fine
and then he'll come out
and be like 'you are the stranger who asked to be my friend on facebook...i said no'
no. this is a great plan.
i could get into better shape by walking there every day
almost 3 miles one way
6 miles round trip
and i could become a super regular there
thats pretty classy
(and then I drew this picture to demonstrate what I'd be like)
haha. if you were that scary id have trouble hanging out with you
can you just imagine though
me sitting at the bar
night after night
waiting for him
slowly becoming gollum
making statements like
i love how you pound ... that veal
or we should totally be friends ... on facebook
i want to spend the rest of my life with you ... in this restaurant
haha...you'd wear him down eventually
i could give him a copy of my British prime minister's calendar (editor's note: i have recently become obsessed with the idea of making a calendar in which each month is me dressed up as a different British Prime Minister).
only make it special just for him
and have me eating his dishes in each month
winston churchill eating his squid pasta with sea urchin
margaret thatcher eating scallop crudo
And that's it. Super creepy. Super funny. I'm sure I'll never meet the guy, so I don't really have any shame about sharing this conversation or this photograph of him. It's like he's a celebrity. Only not really.
And if this chef ever stumbles upon this blog post, I say to him: I won't actually stalk you, don't worry, I don't have the patience for that kind of crazy.