I generally abstain from writing about my feelings, thoughts or personal life on this blog. This is mainly because I don't generally have feelings, thoughts or much of a personal life to speak of, and so it's pretty easy to keep the content of this outlet to the realms of food, drink, and media. That said, I feel the need to write a little about a recent turn of events that unfolded, undramatically enough, over the last week or two. Forgive me, if you'd rather not read about my thoughts on boys. Forgive me, if what I end up writing is pure bunk. But, whatever, it's my blog and I'll blog if I want to.
So, a little while ago I found myself having drinks with a boy (I guess, at 27, I should really start referring to the opposite sex as men) whom I met over the, gasp, internet. Leading up to this real life interaction, we exchanged witty back and forths that I found quite entertaining (I can only assume he was entertained) and so when it was suggested that we meet, I thought why not? I had already established, in my head, a few general facts that allowed the pressure to be pretty much non-existent from my perspective: he was too skinny for me (by this I mean, that I would be too big for him), he was too hip for me (by this I mean that he was clearly part of a 'scene') and, well, that was it. So I went, figuring I might be wrong and wouldn't that be nice...but if I was right I wouldn't sink into some spiral of self-hate that would do me, and the people I talk to about these sorts of things, no good. Unfortunately, the night didn't unfold as succinctly as my imagined outcomes. We met, we had a beer, then we had another...and then I gave him the opportunity to call it a night and he suggested we have another. So, in all, we spoke for about three hours and had three beers. Eye contact was made, a range of topics were discussed. I considered it a success and said as much. He seemed to agree, saying we should do this again some time (or something to that effect), then we hugged awkwardly and went our separate ways (question: how the hell do people kiss when they don't know each other and they're not drunk, or spinning a bottle or dared or in imminent danger?..teetotalers/well adjusted individuals, I'd really like to hear how any of you ever get together). The next day he contacted me and asked how my walk home was, we had a bit of a textual conversation and I asked if he might like to meet again in a week or so's time. He said yes, though he didn't know his schedule. A week or so is basically now. I initiated one last conversation, in which he participated and I enjoyed...but at no point was another rendezvous scheduled, or mentioned (I'm totally willing to be proactive but not at the risk of seeming insistent or playing the fool). This is all just a little perplexing to me. Why spend three hours hanging out when you could have left after two-or even one? Why contact me if you were just being polite? Why remain engaged in conversation if, really, you're 'just not that into me'? I have enough trouble reading people (back in the day when I hung out with large groups of mixed gender groups (ie before I started working at an office staffed almost entirely by women with very few male friends), I had this really great habit of thinking someone found me pretty or interesting when, in fact, they thought the girl next to me, or behind me, or in the other room was pretty and interesting), without half of a person's actions fitting one mindset and the other half the exact opposite.
This is to be expected, I assume, in all forms of dating: blind, speed, hell, internet etc. I will take it for the team. But it does niggle, just a bit. I thought I knew who I was going to marry and have children with, and now I don't...but I don't go into a date thinking 'boy oh boy, maybe this will be it!'...if anything I go into it thinking 'let's chat for a while, see if we make each other laugh and then maybe we'll make out'. And the strange thing about dating is you aren't really supposed to be that honest, are you? While it has long been considered dating death to talk about your ex, your fervent desire for marriage, or your straight-up craziness on a first meeting...isn't it equally standard procedure to withold your general intentions or expectations? I have no idea. I write like I've been on a million dates when, in fact, that is so far from the truth that it'd be more accurate to say that I only learned of the custom last week. This is why I don't write about my feelings...I lack clarity.
So, a little while ago I found myself having drinks with a boy (I guess, at 27, I should really start referring to the opposite sex as men) whom I met over the, gasp, internet. Leading up to this real life interaction, we exchanged witty back and forths that I found quite entertaining (I can only assume he was entertained) and so when it was suggested that we meet, I thought why not? I had already established, in my head, a few general facts that allowed the pressure to be pretty much non-existent from my perspective: he was too skinny for me (by this I mean, that I would be too big for him), he was too hip for me (by this I mean that he was clearly part of a 'scene') and, well, that was it. So I went, figuring I might be wrong and wouldn't that be nice...but if I was right I wouldn't sink into some spiral of self-hate that would do me, and the people I talk to about these sorts of things, no good. Unfortunately, the night didn't unfold as succinctly as my imagined outcomes. We met, we had a beer, then we had another...and then I gave him the opportunity to call it a night and he suggested we have another. So, in all, we spoke for about three hours and had three beers. Eye contact was made, a range of topics were discussed. I considered it a success and said as much. He seemed to agree, saying we should do this again some time (or something to that effect), then we hugged awkwardly and went our separate ways (question: how the hell do people kiss when they don't know each other and they're not drunk, or spinning a bottle or dared or in imminent danger?..teetotalers/well adjusted individuals, I'd really like to hear how any of you ever get together). The next day he contacted me and asked how my walk home was, we had a bit of a textual conversation and I asked if he might like to meet again in a week or so's time. He said yes, though he didn't know his schedule. A week or so is basically now. I initiated one last conversation, in which he participated and I enjoyed...but at no point was another rendezvous scheduled, or mentioned (I'm totally willing to be proactive but not at the risk of seeming insistent or playing the fool). This is all just a little perplexing to me. Why spend three hours hanging out when you could have left after two-or even one? Why contact me if you were just being polite? Why remain engaged in conversation if, really, you're 'just not that into me'? I have enough trouble reading people (back in the day when I hung out with large groups of mixed gender groups (ie before I started working at an office staffed almost entirely by women with very few male friends), I had this really great habit of thinking someone found me pretty or interesting when, in fact, they thought the girl next to me, or behind me, or in the other room was pretty and interesting), without half of a person's actions fitting one mindset and the other half the exact opposite.
This is to be expected, I assume, in all forms of dating: blind, speed, hell, internet etc. I will take it for the team. But it does niggle, just a bit. I thought I knew who I was going to marry and have children with, and now I don't...but I don't go into a date thinking 'boy oh boy, maybe this will be it!'...if anything I go into it thinking 'let's chat for a while, see if we make each other laugh and then maybe we'll make out'. And the strange thing about dating is you aren't really supposed to be that honest, are you? While it has long been considered dating death to talk about your ex, your fervent desire for marriage, or your straight-up craziness on a first meeting...isn't it equally standard procedure to withold your general intentions or expectations? I have no idea. I write like I've been on a million dates when, in fact, that is so far from the truth that it'd be more accurate to say that I only learned of the custom last week. This is why I don't write about my feelings...I lack clarity.
3 comments:
Hey it is ok to blog about the inner life that doesn't include physical sustenance and stuff.
Dating. Hmmm. I am thinking the 3 hour confab was a good indicator of being compatible. I am thinking it was true when he said yes to meeting again in a week or so. I am thinking tho that short of a trainwreck that induced amnesia it teeters on the rude not to get back in touch if only to say (whatever: Great Aunt Foofie is dying of consumption gotta go or whatever).
It ain't any easier in my age bracket. I did learn that if a guy says on the first date that he is looking for a serious relationship that is not old fart 21st century politespeak for I don't hop in the sack and then dump you; no indeed, it means I am desparate and will latch onto like a leech if you don't run away fast enough.
So somewhere between totally silent on the subject of "future" and totally voluble must lie the right mix...
But anyway, good luck sorting out the meanings.
yo Caroline, I thought that was so astute and clear and made my heart ache, because this connection stuff is hard to wrap the old brain bag around.
Not that I ever know what to do, but usually I give up easily
Wish I knew. All I know is this stuff inexplicably seems to happen all the time.
My guess is people think they are somehow being nice by not totally being up front about the situation and feelings, or maybe they are keeping their options open and not totally sure what they want?
None of it makes any sense to me.
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