So, from time to time, I write a little something about my experience with boys. Or, often enough, my lack of experience with boys as of late. I've already outlined my confusion over mixed signals, made a few sample 'would I date you' questions, and gone into more detail about the kind of guy I'm hoping to find, but I feel there is more to touch upon. Or, rather, right now I'm wondering about the concept of deal breakers. Let's say I'm on an internet dating site, and a dude has contacted me and clearly demonstrated that he has read my profile closely and suggests a flurry of activities that reflect my, and his, interests. Let's say he calls me awesome. This is positive. Aren't you supposed to have at least a few things in common with a person you might kiss on the mouth? But then, let's say, you go to his profile and what? You see he has a rather large and unapologetic love of one particular hat. He is that guy who is always wearing a hat, but doesn't seem to be bald. And I'm not talking baseball cap, I'm talking old school step up from a fedora hat, which can be cool if you pick the right occasion to rock that style...but to insist on always rocking that style, well, what is that about? It reminds me of a group of kids from my high school, all very smart, all very nice on the whole, and yet they had this thing with hats that pushed them from the cool/quirky zone into the weird/quirky zone. And this is coming from someone who knows she isn't some strange bastion of normalcy.
Can this be, as Liz Lemon would say, a deal breaker? Or is this the sort of thing you ignore because it's petty. The sort of thing you put aside because it's superficial to care. I mean, I would hate for a guy not to give me a chance because I'm always wearing my...oh wait, I don't really have any prop clothing. That's what it is! Prop clothing! It's more than simply wearing a shirt that makes your boobs look good, or hides your love handles. It's a distraction. It's a 'hey look at me with my hat,' which makes me wonder what the distraction is from. Does he have terrible teeth?
How is it that someone can share so many interests and still make you unsure that you'd like to pursue meeting them? Is it me? I am consistently telling some of my single lady friends to give people chances, not to write them off too quickly, and yet here I am: having serious misgivings about interacting with someone who likes what I like...and seems open to the concept of liking me!
4 comments:
Oh it is not stupid to have the hat as the dealbreaker. I read some article, I dunno WaPo or NYT online, bored at work, and there was the funny bit about how, well, so you go on a date with a guy who in all the important areas is really great, but he has (in this instance, one of those idiotic soul patches...excuse me if I offend or give away my age here, but EWWWWWW a soul patch, really?) and so the person doing the inner self study is asked, well don't you think you should tell mr. otherwise perfect that he is sooooooooo great except for the (here, soul patch)? And the inward looking one says, and here is the important piece:
Sure I could tell him I hate the soul patch and he could shave it. But there it is, he thought it was good. I can't get past that he thought it was good.
Ergo, the hat. If the prop bothers you, the elimination of the prop won't eliminate the earlier existence of the prop, which in and of itself is a big ol' red flag for you to be reckoned with.
Yeah I am coherent, not so much. I am thinking if something says, sotto voce or full out yelling, WINGNUT WHACKJOB, then no matter how otherwise ultra good the specs, you are always stuck with the underlying WINGNUT WHACKJOB. So it is fine to listen to your inner editor/director/movie critic/housekeeper/Canadian Mounted Police officer and move along.
I sound so harsh, but really, if something jumps out early in the middle of otherwise fineness, imagine how the jumping out thing morphs into Mothra or King Kong when his or her other habits start to grate on ye olde nerve endings...
ok, i see, and generally agree, with the main point you are positing: that even if the [whatever thing] were to be taken out of the equation, the fact that I reacted to it in the first place isn't a good sign.
but i still feel as if that's not entirely the sort of person i want to be. i feel like there have been times in past relationships where i have not particularly dug one aspect or another about a dude...but their questionable piercing or strange choice in pants always turned out to be treatable...or ignorable.
and i do worry that as i get older i'm saying no to more and more things and people. i don't mind being someone who knows their mind and has the capacity not to budge, i think there is strength in that...but i don't want to be so much of that sort of person that i miss out. and this is an issue larger than a guy and his hat. sigh.
True, this is an issue larger than a guy and his hat. But. There is that deep level of self that we sometimes don't pay attention to, that had we listened we might not have gone down a particular (maybe not so good) path.
Of course, there is also the flip side: to stick with the hat issue, you have an experience of people with hats as props that has not been, shall we say, the most positive so there is the overlay of prior experience and "eh" to the hat thing. Maybe the eh is coloring your reaction, so perhaps you should not listen to the voice of eh and see about encountering the person. One of two things: hat is a problem or hat is not. My guess is it depends on how EH the eh is.
I have to squelch a lot of crap based on "prior experience" but I also let myself acknowledge, if not "obey," my WINGNUT WHACKJOB alert. I could have avoided a prolonged bit of stupid if I had listened and obeyed, and in other instances, I was glad I rose above my eh voice.
So connect with Hat and let it go where it goes. Good bad or neutral. Report back ok?
This was so helpful, no?
Hmm -- I don't know, and I am really not well-versed in the dating game (read: I haven't got a clue!). I would think that as long as he seems interesting and definitely not creepy to you, what harm is there in meeting up? Then you might also be able to ask what the hat is all about, and maybe there's at least an exciting story behind it.
I think I would bail, though, if it was a gift from his very first girlfriend. (or his mum. or his ex-girlfriend's mum.)
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