All The Days

Well, the resurgence in blog popularity on my part wasn't all that strong, now was it? Right now I'm sitting on my deck by the pond, technically 'on call' for my county's Covid-19 hotline. I've been doing three 4-hour shifts for the last two weeks or so, and thus far had one woman call. The call system is via computer/internet, so I can sit outside whilst waiting for calls that I'm fairly certain won't come. I just placed a rather large - in terms of number of items and overall price tag - delivery/shipment order with Lowe's. A mix of garden supplies, chicken coop-related equipment, and the beginning steps of staining/resealing this very deck.

Two trailers of cattle were just dropped off at the pasture/hills directly east of my house. This is a relatively good thing, as I've been told that parcel will be planted with Christmas trees at some point. Obviously not yet. The cattle are all moo-ing away as they get settled, and the horses more north/in front of me all just trotted a little farther afield, in part, I think, because they're not interested in all the cattle racket.

Lowe's purchases and my intentions, a log:
Two wire trellises with slight decorative flourish: I have two potting containers with sweet peas in them...the containers themselves are a) too small for the peas once they continue to grow and b)have no drainage holes on the bottom. So I think that if I want the peas to really make anything of themselves, I'll eventually need to transplant them either into the ground or into a more fitting container. My thought is that one trellis can be for said peas (there are 8 successfully sprouted little green beginnings) and the other can be for green or pole beans if I can find plugs in a week or two.

10 tomato wire thingies: I have every intention of putting at least 10 tomato plants into the ground, but maybe more. So I bought the wires and also bamboo stakes so I'll have enough to support the tomatoes and, also, the peppers I hope to grow. I'm especially stoked to try growing shishito and poblano peppers, as they are my go-to peppers in life.

Lime, chicken wire and 5 ft. t-posts: I've been waffling a lot about chickens. Not that I don't want them, I most certainly do, but I've been vacillating between buying them in-person at Tractor Supply or ordering them online. Mainly this is because I really want specific breeds, which include Silver Laced Wyandottes, Ameracaunas and Sussexes, and each and every time I call Tractor Supply, they either have no chicks or not the breeds I'm most excited about. I should just pull the trigger on ordering them online. I had a 'cart' with my preferred breeds filled out for the last two weeks, and had I placed the order, they would have arrived around June 8th. But I dropped the ball/didn't pull the trigger so now their arrival time would be July 27th. Tomorrow I will call the Tractor Supply place one more time to see if by some miracle they have the chicks I want, and if not, I'll place the order.

The other wiffle/waffle is where to house the chickens. Months ago I downloaded a free schematic to build by own "chick shaw" basically a moveable coop that can be handled by one person. But I realized that I'd need more power tools than I have to put it together (chop saw, skill saw, etc), and the material cost alone would be at least ~$500. That led to my considering just paying someone else for a coop they've built. I kept seeing a relatively local Facebook Market ad by a guy who sells coops for about $300. But I saw mixed reviews and got concerned it was somehow a scam. So now my idea is to turn half of the shed closest to my house into a coop. I'll need to flatten out the dirt floor a little, put chicken wire around the entire interior, as there are gaps/holes in the wood perfect for predatory monsters. Lime will help balance out whatever is in the dirt. T-posts and more chicken wire will divide the space. I'll also need to get roosts and nesting boxes. I'm not sure whether it will work, but I guess I'm giving it the college try.

What else? Oh, bamboo stakes for additional support for a variety of plants. And taller t-posts to start trying to 'fence' the garden area. I've decided to try the 'fishing line' method to at least deter deer from getting into the plot. I imagine the gate/entry I jerry-rig will be the hardest part, and that while the fishing line may prevent deer, I'll still need to consider what to do about rabbits.

I also bought deck cleaner and stain, which I think I already mentioned. I don't have a sander, but may inquire with neighbors about borrowing one, as I think the success of the cleaning/staining/sealing will rely a lot on how well/thorough a job I do prepping the wood ahead of time. Knowing me, it'll still be half-assed.

Oh and wood filler for the flooring area that has been compromised by termites. Another half-assed approach to the problem. I simply don't have the $$ or know-how to take up any of the flooring and replace it with new, so this is the stop-gap measure.

I also still am living in a sofa-free house, which has generally been fine as I do have slightly comfy chairs on which to sit. But there is no avoiding my desire to have a sofa/sofa bed so that I can a) more comfortably be prone without necessarily being in bed and b)that eventually if I have visitors they'll have a slightly more comfortable option than an air mattress. I still have need for a variety of furniture. The kitchen table from my childhood awaits me in Silver Spring, but I can't pick it up during these pandemic times/I will need to rent a van or truck since my car won't be big enough to haul it. I think a sideboard/some kind of additional dresser-like piece of furniture would also be helpful in the living room. The house has a fair amount of storage given its ~800 sqft size, but I am indeed running out of places to put things I don't need on display at all times (old journals, arts and craft supplies, tax records etc.)

Blah blah blah. I have no sense anymore of how this pandemic situation is going. I mean I read multiple articles every day, but that doesn't give me as much clarity as I'd like. Are we still in the thick of it? Since so much of my life hasn't changed because of it, I almost feel a dread in the lifting of restrictions and folks going back to some sort of semi-normal...mainly because it won't change how I spend my time/days. Each time I choose to read a book instead of do something productive, I give myself permission, as the pandemic is nuts. But it's really an excuse and not a real reason not to do things.

I started talking to a guy via Tinder in early March. Our initial plan was to meet up and play trivia once the pandemic became less of a thing. Of course, it only became more of a thing. At one point he suggested we meet and go for a hike, but I demurred. Privately, I like hiking but am not in tip top shape and didn't want the first interaction to be while I was red faced and breathing heavy (not what I shared with him). Additionally (what I did share with him) I do have a general rule that I don't meet strange men from the internet in non-populated places. Murder and all. He took that graciously. But it just feels less and less like he'd be someone I'd actually enjoy meeting. I tried to do fun 'what do we know in our own heads' trivia back and forths with him, which he humored for my two questions to his one...but let it peter out. Then when he again suggested we meet in person, I replied saying a)pandemic no thanks and b)it would just be getting to know each other small talk that we could do online. So then I asked him what he did/what he wished he was doing in a professional way, and he responded that he "doesn't do small talk" then only replied to my question by saying he'd prefer to be a "trust fund philanthropist." Basically he doesn't ask me many questions, hasn't said anything that makes me chuckle, and keeps suggesting we meet in person when THE WORLD is telling us NOT TO. In his last attempt he said that since the pandemic looked to be a continuing thing for months "we should really get over ourselves" and meet. Given that he's mentioned that desire three previous times, it felt very much like he was telling ME to get over myself. Fuck that. I told him that when the seafood market an hour away from my place has soft shell crabs, we can also meet there. Two birds, one stone. I didn't want to completely say fuck you, but honestly whatever frisson of fun there might have been last month has petered off. He has not convinced me that he is a person I want to meet.

Meanwhile, I wish I could also get another puppy. I keep checking the closest animal shelter's facebook page, but they've mainly had strays (strangely often they have pink or camo collars). And I really do want to have a lil pupper to mold as I did Birdie (lol to say I molded this dog is probably an overly bad piece of hubris).

I go back and forth in terms of having too many drinks and calling people. Two weeks back, I reconnected with a friend I hadn't spoken to since I left Philly. She didn't answer, but she called back a couple of days later and we did manage to have a conversation that was entirely lovely. I think I had felt layers of guilt about how our friendship had unraveled and feared she was holding a large (and partially understandable) grudge against me. But it appears all is forgiven (or wasn't even in need of forgiveness) and it was lovely to hear how she and her kids are doing. Touched base, also, with an old farm friend from my first year out in WA. And that, too, was a lovely catch up after a couple of years' of no contact (less fraught more typical 'drifting). Same can be said for a college friend, another high school friend, etc. etc. This behavior - have some drinks and call people - is not pandemic-specific...but the pandemic has given me license to call people I'd usually not consider. Also (soberly) emailed the long-ago ex. I have been smart enough, even while under the influence, to refrain from calling him for both our sakes. I'd only end up feeling embarrassed and awkward. Which is how I felt when I did drunkenly call the more recent ex, though nothing too terrible was said there either, as we ended on generally understanding terms. Still, though, the reply to my email was cordial and strangely comforting. We haven't seen each other in over ten years and broke up even longer ago. As my most successful/long not successful relationship, he unfortunately still has some meaning in my life while I know I have very little in his (married/baby etc.) so his acknowledging my email and sharing a small memory from our shared time together as well as an update about himself gave me a sense that while, yes, of course we weren't meant to be (no matter what my mother said) and, of course, I should have more restraint than wanting to check in, we did share a bit of our youth together and though much of the associated feelings have faded into nothing, oh I don't know really what I"m trying to say. Writing and receiving emails between us felt familiar and no longer fraught with any combination of sadness, disappointment or other negative feelings that were certainly harder to avoid many years ago . Lol...but I think I'll still refrain from going to a wedding that he might attend just for continued self-preservation and dignity. Would I still feel this way if I was as 'farm fit' as I was in WA, or if the more recent ex and I were still together? Hard to say. But here we are.

Well I've certainly been typing up a storm whilst receiving no hotline calls. Cows are still acclimating to their new digs. Horses are hidden from view. A bullfrog occasionally bellows from the pond. Birdie's legs are caked in mud. Bluebirds and goldfinches and red winged black birds and robins and cardinals are all flit and flying around. Swallows seem to have gone elsewhere today.

I haven't been able to get a status about my stimulus check. Not sure whether I will get one, and whether the IRS has the right info to get it to me. I completed my 2019 taxes in February, so technically they have my most recent address on file. But I wrote a check for what I owed, which I think may mean they'll mail me a check instead of using my 2018 routing/banking info. I am continuously concerned about whether the pandemic will ultimately impact my income. Right now is always a slow time in my professional life - usually just an hour or two of billable work on any given day, and sometimes less. But come July/August, things should pick up. But will they? While the timing of my FINALLY buying a place rural and remote was excellently done given the current state of the world, it will be less fortuitous if I can't pay my mortgage in six months.

When mom was dying she wrote a few things down or said them to me. I think the following is something she wrote not something she said, but it amounted to her worrying that perhaps the world was only going to get worse. I think at that juncture in time the BP oil spill was continuing to do damage in the gulf, and the Chilean miners were still trapped below ground. I'll have to see if I can find her wording, but it kind of came down to a 'maybe now is a good time to go, before everything else goes to shit.' Lord what would she make of all this? Of Trump. Of pandemic. Of protests for haircuts. Of 100s of deaths one day, an re-opened beaches the next? Unanswerable, really, what she would think. Though I imagine some combination of appalled, resigned, outraged and slightly bemused would work. That's certainly a set of feelings I have on a daily basis. The thing is, the world keeps not falling quite enough apart. So we're left with splinters and shards of normal and good and irregular and bad, but not quite an all encompassing feeling of either. If even this can't get everyone on the same page, what on earth could?