My Fantasy Football Team

It's no secret that I love television, or at least it's not a secret to anyone who has met me and spoken to me for more than thirty seconds. Over the last couple of years I have binge watched The League whenever its seasons come out on some kind of streaming platform, and while I have never cared much about football, I was drawn in by the ridiculous humor and passion of this strange group of 40-somethings and their Fantasy Football (FF) 'league.' I was particularly taken in by the character of Taco, a man whose marijuana consumption and loose grasp on reality and the principles of football entertained me to no end. I began thinking that I could certainly be the "Taco" of someone's league...the person who never is really paying full attention or totally understanding what is going on, but is still part of the group and can, from time to time, impact the outcome of a game. Unfortunately I can't find any especially good clips that really illustrate Taco in relation to his lack of FF prowess, but this will have to do.
So I started thinking that joining a league could be a good idea about two years ago. Then last spring I went to my 10th year college reunion and ran into J. (who was an acquaintance at best during the college years and now a Facebook Friend) and briefly mentioned that I had seen his call for FF participants the previous year, but I was afraid my lack of actual understanding of the game might not be as amusing to him and the other participants as it was to me. A few months later J. reached out and suggested I actually sign up and get in on the FF action. I once again communicated my Taco-like approach to the entire thing and he seemed to have no problem with it. And that is how I found myself, a few months back, getting ready for my first-ever FF draft. I had initially planned on picking my team solely based on who had the saddest life story, or who I found most attractive. But here's the thing: there are a lot of men playing in the NFL and I simply didn't have the time nor true interest in researching ALL of their back stories. So during the draft (which I took part in while eating chicken wings because that is what people who watch football do) I made picks based on players I found attractive, or that some random blogger somewhere had suggested might be good picks. All long-time FF dudes I've spoken to about the league I joined say that it is crazy. But since it's all I know, I can't really imagine any other way. The main craziness is that we basically play two to three of every position each week - three QBs, three WRs, two kickers, a defensive team and individual defensive players. It's crazy y'all. At least to anyone who is not me. So. My initial lineup was a mish mash of good ideas and less good ideas.

For example, RGIII. I really only knew that RGIII was beloved in D.C. I did not grasp at the time of the draft that he had been rather seriously injured at the end of the previous season and wasn't considered quite the miracle in this season. But, hey, he's not unattractive so I didn't feel too bad about having him be my first pick overall, third spot. In retrospect this was unimaginably dumb of me...but I simply didn't have any real idea of who was actually 'good'. RGIII was a bad idea on the whole. He has had a very messy season and was benched this week (and will continue to be benched for the rest of the season if I understand correctly). Oh RGIII, I had such higher hopes for you.

My other two QBs were picked on the basis of either their history of being good football players, or being rather attractive. I'll leave it up to you to decide just how that shook out.

   Kaepernick (left) has also not had the same kind of season as he did last year (and was my third draft pick). He's not terrible, but I probably could have gotten a better second QB had I even tried my hand at research. And Eli Manning (above)? Eli Manning is the worst fucking QB ever. I mean, not literally...but I think he is actually on the verge of hitting some kind of terrible record for the number of interceptions he's thrown this year. Twice other league members offered me a trade for Manning. And twice I refused thinking they were trying to trick me like the Taco I was trying to be. Twice! Let me just tell you something: I should have taken either of those trades. I would be in a much, much better place if I had given up my faith that Manning's former Super Bowl wins and abilities would resurface.

Another questionable decision I made was drafting New England's Rob Gronkowski. This was another situation where I saw he had been quite loved and impressive in the previous season, and totally overlooked that he was injured and not scheduled to start the first few weeks (which turned into months). Now this choice - and keeping him on the bench for so many weeks - could have all been worth it...if this hadn't happened two weeks ago.  He did have a a few good weeks, but really I don't think it worked out for either of us. Alas, poor Gronk. Bro is down for the season.

Another player who I had placed some faith in - even after some early fumbles - was the Giants' David Wilson. After making some bad plays in the opening weeks, he began to find his groove. Only to become a complete and utter idiot when he chose to celebrate a touchdown by doing a backflip...landing wrong...and injuring himself for THE REST OF THE SEASON. That's the narrative as I understand it, though perhaps the flip and the later neck injury aren't actually related. In either case, David Wilson, you make me sad.

So, yeah, I had some duds for dudes. I mean, compared to Peyton Manning or Tom Brady, or some other guys whose names I still don't know, all three of my QBs were not so wonderful. Though I do realize that their overall yardage was, compared to some, actually pretty decent. But on the whole, you should be able to rely on your QBs to give you 12+ points in any given FF match...last week Eli Manning gave me -10.88. Is all I'm saying.

But it wasn't all totally doom and gloom. I got some guys who were generally pretty good to me. For example, this sweetie pie. Steven Haushka was one of my two kickers from week 1 and could generally be relied on for a minimum of 10 points a game. Look at his cute little face. He also tried to tackle someone at some point, which was nice and brave of him. Squirt.

Luke Kuechly was another guy I picked up in the initial draft who generally did right by me as a defensive player. He looks like somebody who should play lacrosse (which may very well be why I drafted him in the first place). But here he is, playing football.

Another guy who did right by me on the whole was Knowshon Moreno. He and Peyton Manning had some good times together.

A guy I added to my roster in the second half of the season, who ended up being quite useful was Josh Gordon. He's got a nice smile too.

I had Reggie Bush too, but he wasn't quite as reliable or consistent as I would have liked...especially that week of the Eagles game where he got hurt before they even started playing. And from what I've read he's a big baby about snow and mud. I never dropped him, but I wouldn't bother with him next year I don't think. Another latecomer to the team (the Heizulbergs was the name of my team) was Jordan Cameron. In addition to playing some pretty good ball, he also likes to read apparently.

Yup. I made it to the playoffs but the double loss of Bush and Gronkowski was not good for me and my season is now done. I had a 7-6 record and came in fourth overall (out of eight) before the playoffs. Including the playoffs it was a 7-9 season. Rough stuff there at the end.

The one major thing that happened was that I almost immediately started to care about trying to have a winning team. The whole 'create a team based on completely useless metrics' just didn't work and I couldn't live up to Taco's level of absurdity at all. I began to tinker and adjust as I learned more about how match ups worked and what to keep in mind. I am not in any way now a football expert, but I certainly know and care about the sport a bit more than before. I recently had a back and forth email conversation with a friend from college, and he said that not in a million years would he ever have expected me to get into FF. I am entirely in agreement with him on that score. But, as we all know, things change, interests wane or fire up, and if you can't roll with it what can be done? I am already kind of excited about applying the better knowledge and understanding I have to next year's draft. I'm going to go all the way! Maybe.

Here is my overall roster for those who would like to know:
Colin Kaepernick
Eli Manning
RGIII (replaced by Fitzpatrick for the last match of the season due to benching)
Keenan Allen
Demaryius Thomas
Golden Tate (picked him for his name)
Knowshon Moreno
Danny Woodhead
Reggie Bush
Jordan Cameron
Josh Gordon
Jerricho Cotchery
Ryan Succop
Steve Hauschka
Carolina Defense
Eric Berry (chose him because of this of course)
Ryan Clark
Alterraun Verner
Major Wright
Luke Kuechly
David Harris
Duke Ihenacho (nacho!)
Adam Jones

Sushi c/o Zama and Drinks c/o Center City

Last Saturday I was working in the office and trying to think of something I could make my reward for being inside on what I remember being a pretty nice day. After some conversation with LW, that reward became sushi at Zama. I was determined to do right by myself and the economy and zoomed through the rest of my work with a sense of purpose and gluttony in front of me. Once there, I started with a rice wine martini. I think that's what it was. With 'rice crispies' along the edge. It was nice and smooth and slightly earthy but with a sweetness.
The wasabi salted edamame seemed like a good idea. And they were.
LW and I split the Mad Dog Roll, which featured yellowtail and jalapeno inside wrapped with soy paper then tempura battered, served open faced with tuna sashimi and avocado salsa.This was a pretty good roll, though the rice cracker thing on top threatened to break my teeth just a little. The jalapeno and I think a dash of cilantro, however, were quite pleasing. The cuts of fish were fair, though I wouldn't say overly generous given the roll's price point.
I went with the crazy fun times plate. That's what they called it. Not really. They called it the special making tasting and it included soy wrapped barbeque eel, rainbow roll, yellowtail jalapeno mango, spicy crunchy tuna, and salmon and fig maki. It was, perhaps, a slightly obscene amount of food but I was dedicated and hadn't had lunch.

I'd say that I enjoyed the jalapeno yellowtail and rainbow rolls the best. I liked the idea smoked salmon and fig ... except for the fig part. The spicy tuna was good but not terribly 'wowza'.
LW had the handroll trio and was quite pleased. I was pleased too. I'm not sure it was the best of the bestest, but it was definitely above average in terms of presentation and tastiness.
After that we headed over to Tank Bar for a drink to determine our next step of the evening.
At the end of that drink, LW went off to Northern Liberties to see about a fellow and some art while I hoofed it over to Field House (I need to start remembering that I simply cannot walk nearly a mile in high heels without suffering dire consequences for 1-2 weeks afterwards) in order to meet up with my relatively still new roommate P. and a huge number of others wearing orange shirts and rooting for the Clemson Tigers.
Now Field House isn't really my go-to venue. So many people wearing colors of teams. So many dudes with shoulders and backwards hats. But on this evening it was pretty entertaining on the whole. The Tigers won. The bartender kept on giving me free drinks. P. and his buddies headed somewhere else while LW and I reconvened at McCrossen's. And that's about a wrap for the evening. It's nice to find myself in places and situations that are kind of new to me; it reminds me that even in these small changes of location/establishments that the world is really a bigger place than I often feel like it is. At times this makes me feel weird in a bad way, but at other times it reminds me to be a little less cynical and a little more open.

Superbowl

I went to my neighbors' house for the superbowl. It was nice and low key, tasty endive/cheese treats and a turkey chili.
I'm glad for the Saints, but I was a little sad for the dwindling genius of Peyton Manning.

Beer and Wings and Eagles c/o Prohibition Tap Room

On Sunday A.S. texted me and asked if I'd like to have some beers while watching the Eagles game at Prohibition Taproom. I said yes, and off we went. The snow was still everywhere but my new boots (my boots are neither of those colors) kept my feet nicely warm and dry. Win. It was pretty quiet in the bar, which I often prefer, as I can definitely find a seat and everything is a little more low key.
I ordered a small set of their chili wings, which were quite moist and tasty without being as spicy as I might have expected. The skin could have been more crispy? Or chewy? Something, the skin could have been a little more something. On the whole, however, the moistness and size of the wings made up for any minor gripes I may have had.
It was a nice late afternoon and evening experience, especially since the Eagles won.

OSU versus Penn State c/o Gettysburg Eddie's

After my tower climb and battlefield drive-by, I went on over to a new business in Gettysburg called Gettysburg Eddie's. It was my job to snag a table with a good television view for the OSU Penn State game that would be happening a little later (the relatives were still at the Gettysburg game). Eventually we all came together and ordered a number of extremely not-good-for-you-but-tasty appetizers. These appetizers included a spinach and artichoke dip that was mainly spinach and cheese.
Spicy fried pickles (I didn't really pick up on their spiciness but K. and my aunt L. did, so I guess there was a kick?).
And bacon and cheese loaded potato skins. We each had two beers while watching the first half of the game and eating on this food. The bill? $26. Amazing.
At half time, L. felt a headache coming on and thought it best to return to the hotel for a little rest. We all went back, watched the rest of the game and then E. K. and I went to Tommy's to see our cousin F. and his wife. K. and I shared a small pizza. I am a sucker for mushrooms, but these mushrooms were out of a can and not pleasing to me. Have you noticed that the first three places I ate in Gettysburg all had men's names in their titles? I did. I'd like to get Ernie, Eddie and Tommy together and see what they create...except that I think they're all dead.
After our dinner, we returned to the hotel (best in Gettysburg according to my well-researched forays into other options...wait, that's not true, I have been coming to this hotel since forever, and the one other hotel I stayed in was not at all superior). K. and I then went over to the on-site Appalachian Brewing Company bar and had a few pints while playing Rummy. Here is a note K. wrote me at one point. It warmed the cockles of my heart.

Football in Gettysburg

I met up with K. and her parents at the Gettysburg college football game. Their colors were orange and blue. The game didn't really capture my interest as much as these cheerleaders throwing each other up in the air while smiling.
When the home team scored the cheerleaders, and some seemingly random shirtless dudes, did as many push-ups as the earned points. Below they were doing seven.



They were quite good at this stuff. I wonder if they could be underdogs in a Bring It On movie.

Well Heeled Hoosiers

Last Sunday I flew away from New York City and on to Indianapolis. There I was picked up by Mousehead and Rosterizer and driven back to their house in Bloomington, Indiana. We watched the Super Bowl and I was extremely disappointed in its result. Mousehead made a tasty chicken stir-fry which I ate while being disappointed.

At Least We Got a Good Meal Out of the Deal

On Monday night the parents and I drove down into the cove to watch the OSU LSU game at our cousin's. Why didn't we just watch the game at home? Well, because the parents don't have cable and FOX doesn't come in so good (re: at all) but the cousin does have satellite and FoX came in perfectly well. Mom made a ham loaf...which sounds kind of yucky but was actually quite good. The cousin and his wife provided home smoked salmon and filet mignon (maybe the beef wasn't smoked actually) and a good dose of salad. I had a Fat Tire beer and then we all had champagne. Once the third quarter came around and it was obvious that, yet again, getting a touchdown in the first two minutes of the game and ranking number one in the, erm, league (?), doesn't necessarily equal triumph for the Buckeyes. So we left.

OSU

Last year we did this. This year we went somewhere else entirely. But the question remains: OSU what the hell is wrong with you?

New Year's Day

We went to a noon day New Years thingy. I ate my weight in fake cheese, cheap sauasage and potato chips. Oh yeah and ham. Mmmmm. Then we came home, drank champagne and watched football for the rest of the day. Wow Illinios, you kind of suck...I'm glad to be rid of you. If I had known how much you sucked beforehand, well, maybe I would never have bothered with you as a state in the first place. That's patently not true. I haven't used that phrase in a while: patently not true, patently untrue. I'm bringing it back.

Pizza and Wings

On Sunday I ordered pizza and wings. Then lh stopped by and we watched football. I saw the end of one game that had the Baltimore Ravens (Troy Smith from OSU is their quarterback) then we saw all of the Eagles/Cowboys game. The day before I had seen a football special geared (very well I think) at women who don't care about football. Lovely stories, exciting plays and anecdotal evidence of three quarterbacks' individual acensions to football greatness. Oh Favre, Manning and Brady, you guys are too cute.
The grub came c/o Pete's Pizza. The pizza had half Canadian bacon and pineapples and half the same bacon and tomatoes. The wings were not so good but, heck, I'm not sure I really like wings one way or another.

I Don't Care About The Whole State of Michigan, P.S. Ann Arbor Is A Whore

Yesterday I met up with a girl who used to have a blog but, I'm pretty sure, no longer does. I met up with her and two of her friends for two reasons: 1) to watch the OSU vs Youngstown State game and 2) to see her. McGee's is an official OSU watching bar and I'm glad I remembered to wear red...I only have one red shirt in my wardrobe and it was found in a closet of a house I lived in, goodness, seven years ago. On the shirt, in white letters, is this: Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful. I wasn't feeling so beautiful so I turned the shirt inside out. It was a sea of red. It was a mass of red. It was a good number of bodies with red jerseys with numbers on them. It wasn't so bad since we had a place to sit...and OSU kicked Youngstown's bottoms.
I had a burger. It wasn't bad though I have a feeling it was preformed and it wasn't very spiced up.
Every time OSU got a touch down confetti would pop out of the ceiling and coat the tables. I thought it was a drink and fire hazard...but it did look nice when it was first falling, very festive.